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Synopsis
“The 5 Love Languages” by Gary Chapman is a #1 bestseller and has been translated in multiple languages. It is part of The 5 Love Languages Series.
After years of marriage counseling, Gary Chapman concluded that there are 5 Love Languages and that every one of us has one primary love language.
Through working with numerous couples, he realized how often romantic partners do not know how to love their significant other in his/her language.
Recognizing this as the main reason for the end of marriages, Chapman has set out to teach people about the different Love Languages so that they can create a long-lasting and loving relationship.
Review
“The 5 Love Languages” is a book everyone should read. No matter if you are in a relationship or not. It motivates to put in the effort necessary for a loving relationship.
Furthermore, Gary Chapman shows in different stories of couples he met throughout his marriage counseling years, that you can always reignite the love in your relationship.
In itself, the concept of the 5 Love Languages is stunningly simple. That´s why it is so surprising that most people have no clue what their own or their partner´s love language is.
Understanding each other´s Love Language makes it so that you can conclusively show your partner the love you feel for them. What could be more frustrating than not being able to make your partner understand how much you love them?
In the first years of a relationship, this principle of knowing each other´s love language might sound unnecessary. But if you aim for a longterm relationship, I believe this really can help you keep the love alive. And once you know how to do it, it´s straightforward.
So I´d say read the book! It might spare you some heartbreak and expensive divorces.
One thing I want to mention is that these 5 Love Languages are not just valuable for your romantic relationships. They also prove essential with your family, friends, at the workplace and with raising your children.
Lessons
1. There are 5 Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
You can speak love by encouraging or affirming your partner.
Verbal criticism hurts people with this love language more than you might think.
Try to give them unexpected compliments through cards or text messages.
2. Quality Time
Spend uninterrupted and focused one on one time with each other.
You do not spend quality time with each other if you are watching TV at the same time!
Take at least a little time every day to spend with your partner. Put away your phone, turn off the TV. Maybe go out to eat something or take a walk. Going to the Fitness Studio together can be Quality Time as well.
3. Acts of Service
Doing things they´d like you to do speaks love the loudest for people with this love language.
Don´t ignore your partner if he/she complains about you not doing something. It´s a shout for help. They want to feel more loved!
Don´t just guess what they´d like you to do. Ask them for a list of things you could do around the house and then choose different things to do. For some people seeing their partner fold the laundry speaks love louder than a hundred kisses.
4. Receiving Gifts
Give your partner thoughtful and appropriate gifts.
Don´t just gift them something because you don´t want it.
Those gifts do not need to be huge or expensive. Pick up some flowers or make a handmade collage of some holiday pictures. You don´t need to find something for each day, but you should do it regularly.
5. Physical Touch
Physical Touch doesn´t just mean kisses, hugs or sex. Sometimes putting your hand on their shoulder or back is everything they need.
Don´t deny them physical touch and never EVER physically abuse them!
2. There is a difference between in-love and real love
Getting into new relationships, people usually fall “in love.” They are supremely happy and in utter bliss. Everything else in the world becomes meaningless in comparison to the love they feel.
You believe you will never fall out of love and that this is The One. However, falling out of love is natural.
Through studies the late psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tennov found out that the average “in-love” obsession lasts for about two years.
Now although that might sound depressing at first, it is a good thing. Can you imagine a world full of people who don´t take anything seriously anymore because of their love obsession? Businesses and states would crumble.
But does that mean that love is gone after two years, and you have to move on and find a new obsession? Absolutely not!
It just means that it is now time to pursue Real Love. And that leads us to the next lesson.
3. Love is a choice!
Now, this is good news because it means we can continue our relationship after the love obsession has faded away. Admittedly, it might sound unromantic but hear me out.
Every one of us has a “love tank” as Gary Chapman calls it. If your love tank is full, you feel loved and want to send out love too. If it is empty, you feel miserable.
Our love tank doesn´t need to be filled through a romantic relationship. Family, friends and to some extent pets can fill it too.
That is why you can feel happy and loved as a single. Especially children need to feel that love coming from their parents.
Now, how does our Love Tank fill up?
If people speak one of the 5 Love Languages to us, it fills our tank. However, especially our primary Love Language can make our tank overflow with love.
So, where does that lead us with choosing love?
If you know your partner’s primary love language and you want them to feel loved, all you have to do is choose to speak that love language.
And expressing it doesn´t have to come naturally for you. You hate cooking but your partner’s primary love language is Acts of Service, and she/he would like you to cook? Then cook! You are not the touchy kind of person but your partners primary Love Language is Physical Touch? You better start getting over yourself!
In the end, loving someone has to come voluntarily. You can´t just force your partner to speak your love language. But if you start to make them feel loved chances are they get happier and happier and in return want to make you feel loved.
So the key to a longlasting love-relationship is merely being willing to figure out your partners love language and to put in the effort to speak it regularly.
4. There are different Love Dialects
Just like every language has different dialects so do the 5 Love Languages.
While one person with Quality Time as their primary Love Language may want to have deep conversations with their partner, the other may want to do exciting activities together.
Again, the key is to listen attentively to your partner’s needs. Communicate with them. Find out what they want and then try to do just that.
5. Love changes your life!
It is commonly known, that love is an emotion to strive for. There are thousands of movies, books, and songs about the topic.
But despite love in itself being desirable, the side effects are also fantastic!
When you are in a loving relationship, you feel secure. You know that whatever should happen you always have somebody waiting for you, who has your back. Your partner and that security he/she provides might even encourage you to start your own business.
Love also raises your self-worth. If somebody loves you, you obviously must be lovable — this knowledge builds your self-esteem.
And lastly, love makes you feel significant. And we all strive for some form of significance in life.
Of course, there is much more to learn from “The 5 Love Languages“. Gary Chapman talks extensively about the different Love Languages. Therefore I recommend you read the book for yourself.
If you are interested into more inpirational books, check out my Reading List for Personal Growth, which I update regularly.
